NU 6 by JCB, What Pisses You Off at the Neighborhood

Why The Author is Pissed Off:

A Story of Neighborhood Banes

Loosely based on true events

By

JCB

R090209

The author looks at his watch; it is 12:00 midnight, the witching hour. Hoping that everything is tranquil, he then decides to step out to look at his surroundings. He immediately notices that the streets are empty. No one is walking and even stray cats have decided to pack it in. Cars are in their garages, not moving and resting for tomorrow. The streetlights are doing their duties, providing light to empty pathways. The sky, for its part, dark, brooding, and encompassing, looms and looks over the households, holding off the sun until everyone has rested. And except for sporadic gusts of wind, only a slight breeze can be consistently felt. Seemingly, peace reigns. Silence and tranquility are pervasive. The author then takes a deep breath, ready to relax until… annoyances shatter the harmony.

On his right, there are houses which pulsate with life. Their occupants play poker or mahjong, shouting and laughing, till the sun says hi. On his left, a dog urinates on his lawn. He does not own it. It belongs to a neighbor who does not have the decency to keep his canine indoors. The author then looks at the empty street in front of him and hears an arriving car. It cannot be mistaken for something else because people from Timbuktu can hear its speakers. All these irritate, infuriate, and exasperate the author. And they all happen repeatedly.

Having seen the irritants in his life again, he then says enough is enough. He'll take a stand and proceeds to imagine, thinking of ways and means to address all these distractions. The author's mind percolates, searching and considering every possibility.

He first thinks about how to deal with the yakking, yapping, and yelling poker and mahjong players. Hmmm, he says. The author imagines the possibility of filing cases against these people, i.e., Alarms and Scandals and Unjust Vexation, both punishable under the Revised Penal Code. He can also opt to file a civil suit for damages.  The author thinks these cases, especially the civil suit, can prosper because of the damage that his ears have suffered. Let them agonize, he says.

The author, however, rethinks the strategy above. He feels that the plan is adversarial and unproductive. So instead of filing cases, the author will ask these boisterous poker and mahjong enthusiasts to play professionally. And since they can engage in marathon gambling, joining tournaments that last for days won't be a problem. The author shall even bankroll them, which means additional profit for him. So, it's good riddance and good money in one fell swoop.

         

            The author then turns his sight on the dog that urinated on his lawn. Castration is an option. Hmmm, too cruel, he says. How about involving dog butchers? That may be a tad barbaric. Kill it on site? That's a thought, but in the absence of the canine being an evident threat, gunning it down is out of the picture. The author continues to ponder, still trying to determine what to do. And then it hit him — an Aha moment!

          

            Since the hound is virtually awake at night, then it can go on patrol. It can accompany the homeowners who go on voluntary guard duty. Naturally, the dog will have to undergo training with a K9 trainer. But, if the plan succeeds, then pet dogs from Chihuahuas to Dobermans can be patrol canines. The author of course will get in on the action by exploiting this new industry. He'll enter into a partnership with the K9 trainer and both of them will look for owners willing to transform their dogs into part time patrol hounds.

         

            The author then turns his attention to the worst distraction of all: the car with blaring speakers. He looks and surveys it, thinking of ways to shut it down. Blowing it to smithereens comes to mind, but the author does not have the capacity or the resources to do that. Thank God. Towing it to the junk shop is also an option, but that entails a court order. There's no time for that, the author says. He also considers using a miniature pinch device, one which can knock out the electrical system of the car. But, only Tony Stark a.k.a. Iron Man has that kind of tech, which unfortunately exists in the make believe world of the Marvel Universe. So, that's also out of the question.

         

            But, he won't give up. He'll think of something.

         

           The author then decides to sit down. Minutes turn into hours, and still he can't think of anything.

          

            It's already 2:00 a.m. and nothing comes to mind. It seems the author cannot overcome this final hurdle: the car with the blasted and infernal blaring speakers.

        

            The author thinks, and thinks some more. And then, it hit him. He knows what to do.

        

         He then approaches the owner of the vehicle and says: "Bro, can you kindly turn the volume of your music down? Everyone knows that you have the loudest goddamn speakers in the neighborhood. There is no need to prove it every night"

          

            The car owner is taken aback and in a perplexed manner looks at the author who then says: "I thought everyone likes the music that I am playing, because no one complains."

           

           The author, in turn, says: "Everyone wants to complain, but they can't because your thundering music drowns their voices."

         

           "I'm sorry," the car owner says.

          

           "It's ok," the author replies.

        

           And as the author was about to walk away, he then says to the car owner: "So, you like playing loud music in public?"

        

          "Yes," the car owner blurts out.

          

          "You want to make money out of it?" the author fires back.

         

          "How?" the car owner asks.

      

        "Well, I got a few old vehicles in storage and they're still operational. If you want we can become partners. You'll put your speakers on these old vans, and we can rent them out to politicians, events, and advertisers. These vehicles therefore will be mobile music systems which can be used during campaigns, parties, and marketing campaigns. So, what to do you think?" the author asks.

         

         "Sounds good," the car owner enthusiastically answers.

          

         "Ok, let's talk about it some more, but for now let me sleep. And I can only do that if you don't turn on your speakers to decibel smashing levels," the author says.

        

         And with that, the author heads back to his house. He is happy because he has finally thought of ways to deal with the different things in his neighborhood that annoy him. He can finally enjoy the peace and quiet that he wants. The sun is about to rise in a few hours. And with that, another day beckons. Things are good. 3.5